Whether you are in a relationship that lasts for years or meet a new person, sometimes you may have trouble connecting with the person you love. Often the reason for this is not being close enough. When you say “intimacy”, you can immediately think of sexuality. Of course, sexuality is also an important part of being close, but here we will consider closeness as a broader concept of relationship.
Tracy Goodwin, life coach and interpersonal communication expert, said: “What defines and determines a close relationship is the breadth and depth of what you share. Are you discussing deeper issues? Do you share your deeper feelings? He adds that when intimacy is established, more risks are taken. “When we establish close relationships, we begin to deal with the deeper levels of trust. This is one of the reasons why people avoid intimacy. They don’t want their hearts to be broken. ”
This fear is the biggest reason for people to escape from intimacy and intimacy. But it is not impossible, although difficult to beat. Ultimately, the benefits of real intimacy are huge; sex is better, it is easier to resolve disputes, and daily life is more warm and enjoyable. So what should be done to reach this situation?
1.Look into each other’s eyes: The author of the “Modern Love” corner of the New York Times tells how the intimacy exercise developed by psychologist Arthur Aron helped him at his first date. Initially, there are 36 questions that should be answered by both parties and are getting more and more detailed. Later, the couples silently gaze into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. Columnist Mandy Len Catron explains this experience as follows: “I have skied on the steepest tracks and jumped from dangerous rocks, but the scariest and thrilling experience I have had in my life was to look into someone’s eyes without talking. I spent the first few minutes trying to breathe properly. There were plenty of tense laughter until we got used to the situation. The eyes say things like the mirror of the heart or her, but the main point there was not that I really saw someone, I saw someone really see me. After accepting the fear created by this awareness and giving some time to calm down, I came to an unexpected place. I felt bold and curious. ” The writer says that the exercise works and states that he finally married the person who did this exercise. If you have a relationship, this exercise seems worth trying. Maybe it might work for you too.
2.Stop creating events: If you’re constantly fighting and “leaving to make peace”, think about why you did it. Looking for tension? Or are the fluctuating feelings a substitute for something else? Lynn Newman, creator of several personal discovery games, says, “Some couples create a separation by fighting and making peace again and again. This gives them a romantic trance, a chance to create drama and avoid real intimacy. ”
3.Take your appointment seriously: Proximity makes many people lazy, and getting monotony at such times is not even a job. Relations and communication require some effort, and when you meet your lover, this includes talking about deeper topics than what you eat at dinner. We can give the weekly meeting night as an example to this topic. Rachel Krantz, editor of Bustle magazine, says: “By changing the night you meet every week and taking your partner out, you can find the chance to share what you find fun. You don’t have to find cool things. What matters to me is that the person in front of me has been thinking about where to take me or what to share with me. ”
4.Listen: Listening to any relationship you may hear is one of listening, so it is always important. Sexual counselor Dr. Fran Fisher says that he has heard the sentence “he does not listen to me” countless times and adds: “Unfortunately, once the communication has started to deteriorate, whatever the other person says to you sounds like an annoying buzz like white noise or even worse.” If you ignore the other person, you have established a real barrier between you.
5.Hug: Sometimes things get so bad that you may need to leave the conversation aside and go to more basic ways of connecting. Hugging your partner with your whole body for a minute or two is one of the best ways to start rebuilding the closeness between you. Fisher says, “I have witnessed considerable changes in the relationships that make this exercise. Both sides like to touch and enjoy the warmth of intimacy with no hidden purpose. ”
6.Put aside the expectations: One of the biggest obstacles to proximity is different expectations. People want things to be as they dream; when these requests are incompatible with the facts, they see this as a failure. But take a good look at what you have with the person you are with. Is something really missing or just different than you expected? If the answer is the second, claim your emotions again, take a look at what’s really happening between you and the person you love, and then decide whether the truth is really a problem. Are there a few things you should have seriously to be happy with? Find them carefully and thoughtfully and tell your partner. Then put aside your remaining expectations about what your relationship should look like and enjoy whatever you have.